I'm not back...

I'm just updating. Two posts ago I hadnt moved in to Oklahoma hall yet. Now, it feels like I've been here forever. Thats both good and bad. I love my friends and even some of my classes. And I love the fact that I was able to talk my way into getting 3 waivers signed in order to enroll in classes. Yep, I managed to get them to ignore the fact that I am STILL transcript-less and that I have not paid off last semester's tuition. Yes sir/ma'am I did good. But now that the initial proud-ness wore off I am working non-stop and in class all the time. So if you have been unable to reach me, that is where I am. Currently I should be in bed since it is after 10pm but instead I am working on a paper due at 9am. I normally would have woken up early to finish tomorrow but I work at 7am.

I am writing a stupid book review. I hate book reviews. At Trinity we had them but they were good. Here I was told I had too many quotes when I had two. Every guide to writing book reviews for history classes says to use evidence. Its kinda what legitimizes your argument. Sorry, went off on that because it pisses me off. It also pisses me off that I only get to write 4 papers this semester even though I'm in 5 history classes. And guess what kind of papers those are...ALL four are book reviews.

Ok, so this post was negative and I'm sorry but I have nothing else on my mind. I just want to wear a cap and gown and have a degree so that I can get a job doing what I want. SWOSU is the school that gave me a chance when Trinity let me go but its not the school that made me fall in love with history. If I had to stay any longer I'd probably switch majors.


And with that let me add that my Creative Writing professor is hot and while engaged to a much younger man she has an HRC sticker on her door so there is hope!

PhotoBlog

I was looking through some pictures and found these. Thats me in the blue and the other is my Mom. I'm not saying we look identical but its funny that the pose is similar. Oh and fyi, I was 20 in the picture and my mom was somewhere between 20 and 25. Mine was in a dorm room and hers was in a VW Van. Well, that does it for my photoblog. Really I just got kinda bored. Post again before I go to Okie-Town.

Eleven Days and Counting...

Ok, so the other night I wrote the post that is right before this simply because I felt like writing and I changed the layout back to the basic blogger look. Now I offer you a much more cheerful post.

I have eleven days before move-in day. AHHH! What am I gonna do? I'm beginning to freak out. I've organized all my notebooks already and even begun reading one book. I've packed some of my winter clothes and all the supplies I bought. I've even taught myself a whole organization system for note-taking, reading, planning research, and studying. It would appear that I am ready to go.

But I haven't been inside a college classroom in almost 9 months. And truth be told, I haven't whole-heartedly done an assignment in about 16 months. This is not to mention the loss of social skills I am sure I have endured since moving out to Texas. Add to that the fact that this will be my first co-ed college experience. Oh my god, I'm not ready...

I've done some research on this school in terms of how a lesbian might do there. The results were inconclusive. I mean, I know they have some small facebook groups for pride type of things. But generally speaking, I have only found 3 lesbians on all of facebook. It seems as though gay guys are pretty popular here but it has been my experience that comparing lesbians and gays is like comparing red apples and green apples. Some people love the red ones but hate the green. If you're lost by this point its ok, its late here and I'm rambling now.

Getting back to my point, I'm freaking out and probably will for the next 11 days. If not longer. I'm ready. I know I am. But these 11 days are going to be the longest 11 days of my life!

I took a Break.

I'm back. But before you read any further I'm going to tell you right now that this post is going to be candid. For some odd reason, at 2:30 in the morning, I have decided to post. Not because I'm bored but because I need to write. I have things to say that I've only said to a limited audience. Whether anybody reads this is irrelevant to me. And I understand if nobody comments though as always comments are welcome. I just need to write. What I am about to write is completely uncensored and even a little detailed about my experience with domestic violence. It might also be hard to read because its going to be a train of thought, not a well-written and edited blog. Either way, thanks for at least reading this far.
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I had to write tonight. I haven’t felt the need to write in awhile because I do so much writing in or for therapy. But tonight, I need to update this blog with a more accurate picture of me these days. Its more like a review and assessment of my progress so bear with me.

Besides the fact that my hair if freaking long (for me anyway), a lot has changed since my last post. For example, I’m going to school in 2 weeks. I’m nervous. How will I do? What will it be like? Can I handle it? Am I ready? How will it feel to be out on my own again? I’ve been living in my parent’s house for 7 months, almost 8 now. Plus, I’ve been in weekly therapy for 7 months with only missing one week. I love it. It helps so much and I’ve learned a lot. But am I ready?

I re-read my first journal entry dated April 4th. Exactly 4 months ago I bought myself a journal as a part of my writing exercise for therapy. That first entry serves as a milestone. I read it last night and could not believe that my outlook on life had ever been so low. And that was after 3 months of weekly therapy! God, when I first came home I was 15 pounds under-weight and numb to the world. I know, I know, it sounds like some over-dramatic emo-kid comment but its true. I had the fake smile and the rehearsed lines down pat. I ran through them so smoothly that I forgot I had the ability to actually have feelings.

Last week, my therapist encouraged me to find a hero. Someone who had survived domestic violence that I could look up to and relate to. So I did some research but came up with no one. I mean, how often do we actually get to hear about domestic violence in lesbian relationships? As much of a feminist as I am, I am tired of reading books that blame domestic violence mainly on the patriarchy. While that does provide domestic violence with a permanent home in our society, it does NOT cause it. Not all the time anyway. I know. I was abused by a so-called feminist. I never found the hero I was looking for. Instead, anyone who has survived is a hero to me. I know how hard it can be. I remember all the times when I thought it was all over for me. I know what its like to wonder if tonight is the night. I never ever thought I would have to fight to live but now I know what its like. I remember the moment the knife cut through the skin on my collarbone. It stung. I fought hard. Not so much with physical strength or knowledge of how to fight. I fought with support. Even though no one knew what my life was really like, I knew I had support. I fought with the support of my parents, my brother, and my friends. This wasn’t the last time I had to fight to stay alive. It happened again but this time the only weapon was adrenaline. I’ve come to the conclusion that anger and adrenaline can make someone super-human. I remember being dragged down the street by my hair. I remember being punched in the head. I remember being held on the ground so hard the blood from my lip and nose stained the hardwood floor. Its funny because the hardwood floors were the reason we wanted that apartment in the first place.

I also remember breathing in the first breath of air in a place that was safe. I remember wanting to cry when I saw that my friends had furnished a room for me to stay in when I moved back on campus. I remember the first time I genuinely smiled again. While it wasn’t for a while, it was well worth the wait. It was in December and it was like a light-bulb moment. “Keep your chin up, your head has no business being down.” Those were the EXACT words that gave me a reason to genuinely smile for the first time in at least 2 months. Since then, I have had my ups and downs. Flashbacks lasted for about 5 months and each one was hard and disturbing. I’m so glad they are over. My sudden mood swings and bouts of irritability have also gone away for the most part. I am now at a place where I am looking to the future. I cannot change the past so I’ve given up on trying. Now, I don’t even want to. Every experience is a learning experience. Yes, some lessons could be learned a little easier but I’m just grateful to have learned. 11 months after the abuse began I am ready to continue learning. I have dreams again. I have a life to live and as I know all too well, that life needs to be lived. I fought for it so damn it, I’m gonna live it! If you read this, thanks for dealing with me.

I Do Declare...

It was Homer Simpson in Barney's Bowl-a-Rama with the Extend-o-Glove!!

...Ok, so I've become a fan of the Simpson's version of Clue. Most of you know of my absolute love for ALL boardgames so even though I'm not a huge Simpson's fan (I know, its blasphemy to some of you) I do love this game.

Anyway, I'm writing to you from my most recent Ebay purchase. Its my Compaq Presario 2100 laptop and I've fallen in love with it. I am also currently awaiting my most recent Ebay purchase. It is an awesome shirt with the feminist symbol nice and big near the shoulder!! Can't wait! I'll scan in pics once I get it.

And speaking of clothes, I'm sitting here trying to decide on an outfit for tomorrow's sub job. As is usual it is Special Ed which means one thing: I'm allowed to wear jeans! Score!! Now, if only I had that feminist shirt to wear tomorrow!!

Embracing the Circumstance

I've decided to embrace Floresville. I like the small-town atmoshpere. Growing up in the 'burbs of LA my whole life, then moving to Washington, D.C. I have never really lived in a town much less a "small-town."
The other day I had the coolest experience ever. Sarah and I were driving down the highway and as we do everyday we drove past about 10 ranches with cows. Well, this time I happened to mention that I wanted to stop and take pictures of the cows. So thats what we did. And let me tell you that it was so cool. I had NEVER been that close to a cow. They're HUUUGGGEEE. We were close enough to touch them. But we didn't because I was scared. They were young bulls so they had no horns but still I was nervous. Maybe next time.
Nature and small-towns almost go hand in hand. The cows and horses are so beautiful. Roosters run up and down my street. Walking to work the other day I saw a rabbit. Most nights you ca't count the number of stars in the sky. And wildflowers are popping up everywhere.
Which reminds me. I've also taken up gardening. I decided it was time I had a nice, quiet, and pretty place to sit outside and read or study or just...sit. So I built flower beds all around the house, around the tree, and a few other places. I had never gardened a day in my life until a few weeks ago but I love it. Its hard, but its worth it.
So, even though I'm living in a town where people think I'm too young to drink but always assume I have kids (seriously folks, people around here pop a couple out at a time starting at the age of 14) I like it.
P.S. Pictures of the cows and the garden will be coming soon.

I'm in Love with Two!

Last night, before falling asleep on the phone mid-sentance at a ridiculously early time, I forgot to turn my ringer all the way up. This caused me to miss the barage of phone calls offering me sub positions for today, one of which stayed open all day....OOPS! But, since I didn't work I decided to make this day a "ME" day. I studied for my accounting test and I took the longest shower possible. And this is where I fell in love...with a conditioner. Its by Pantene Pro-V and its Classic Care Complete Therapy Conditioner. Now, I've always hated conditioner because it leaves my hair flat but this one provides six ways to healthy hair. They are Shine, Softness, Strength, Body, Less Frizz, and Silkiness. I saw all but the frizz factor because well, I don't have frizz to begin with. I'm sure it works for that too though. Then, I fell in love again. With a shower gel. Its by Garden Botanika and it is Morning Rain scent. It smells beautiful and was the perfect consistancy. Not too foamy, not too watery, just right. Its true. Ok, perhaps I should work more since its these weird little things that entertain me when I don't.